ummm..hi

its been a while, but there has been some progress!

2007-07-11T19:36:33+02:00

So havent bothered to read over what i wrote those many months ago, but i am going to shed light on the current situation, and how i got here. I got through the easter holidays..just..to be faced with my art exam. It was successful -shockshock horrorhorror- but i was then left with the worry of the approaching exams. (I have been finally told my expected grade for art, and itspretty good - yay ) any who, yes i was faced with the stress of the mounting revision. Unfortunately, i had my worst spell of umm..depression? to date. I went several days of feeling immensely low. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not wanting to face the day. Crying at every oppurtunity - tearful before skwl - and after. After ass mention several of these days had gone by my dad approached me and said he though i should see a doctor. we arranged an emergency appt and i went..with force. I explained brielfy how i had felt down, I was also asked a series of questions. Then diagnosed as being depressed. I was then referred to a special um im not sure this is the right word but - unit? where i spoke to a psychiatrist specialising in child and teen's development. I spoke for two whole hours entirely about life up till then. And that didnt even cover it all. She then suggested it may do me well if i were seen by a psycologist. She then referred me to a young woman that was traning - and had been for several years. I have been going to weekly sessions now for about a month. Its hard. Alot harder than i anticipated! We discuss my feeling, thoughts and past experiences. We also go over triggers and how to avoid them. I also have to keep a food diary - not only of the food consumed but also of my feelings and thoughts before, during and after consumption. Its tiring and often leaves me feeling worse. I have over the past month had multiple very bad binges. Im not sure whether its because of the therapy or not - although my instinct tells me it is. So i am now attending weekly sessions and trying to sort out my past present and future problems. Its hard, but im hopeful. Although at the same time i feel very depressed. So any advice from suffering binge eaters/anorexics/victims of emotional abuse etc -or better recovered victims, would be inmmensely motivating. Many thanks, and i shall update shortly. xxx

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Update..

2007-04-16T18:33:44+02:00

So i'm back in school tomorrow..i have an exam this week but its the least of my worries, i'm just glad that i will have a distraction for the next four days from food. its the first thing that enters my mind in the morning and the last thing i think of before i go to sleep. i find i 'binge' not only when im bored..but if im not that hungry either, which is annoying. i intend this week to hit the nail on the head and just knuckle down with work and maybe seek help with this problem..school may be good for taking my mind of it..but its only covering up the problem underneath which desperately needs fixing...im just a bit worried about seeking help, when i went to the doctors several months ago i felt belittled and patronised..the doctor himself was of no particular use and its become a bit daunting..the thought of going that is.
i also intend on making some progress with my mums alcohol addiction. i realised these past two weeks that because of school and my mums job, i dont realise how difficult i find living with her can be..i guess i block it out, but the last two weeks have been incredibly challenging. i feel drained and emotional from spending so much time in such surroundings with these problems. listening to myself i sound like a hypacondriac..but im hoping this blog will vent some of my frustration..who nos. ohwel chow for now..nd n e one has advice, id very much like to hear it..ill cont' this another time when my family arent lurking around xxx

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a little more about my situation..

2007-04-10T11:39:48+02:00

ok so i am back because i have a spare 15/20 mins and i am putting off doin coursework, which probably isnt a good idea..um well i think this blog is going to be based majoritly on my eating problem, not because its something i like to discuss but because its now become a large and demanding part of my life..plus i could do with advice/support/help watever u want to call it..feedback maybe..off people that have been in a similar situation. well i guess i'd better start by explainin how it began..basically my closest friends at the time (about may/june time 2004) when i was 13/14 all thought themselves overweight..out of choice they wouldnt have been the girls i would have chosen to 'hang around' with, only i was sent to the secondary school my primary school friends didnt go to..so they thought themselves overweight and i guess it rubbed off on me, altho i was an avids sportsperson and far from being unhealthily overweight, never the less i began to get observant as to what i was putting in my mouth, which up till then i hadnt given to thoughts about. it quickly became i guess an obsession and the buzz of not eating was addictive..i recently didnt eat properly for a few days due to being busy and stressed and found that same buzz i used to get through not eating once again, and again found it exhilerating. anyways..so i was initially a healthy weight of 8 and 1/2 stone, but plummeted to under 7 stone in a matter of give or take two months. however i count myself lucky as i remember weighing myself after coming back from a family holiday and realising that weighing under seven stone wasnt healthy. i should note my mum had very little concern over my problem, whereas my dad threatend me to eat or he would take me to the doctors. i refused to go to the doctors simply because i had read in a magazine that you can be refused a job because of eating problems. i wish now i had seeked the help i needed so desperately to build up a healthy relationship with food again..but theres no point in looking back and wishing, if that were the case id wish it all hadnt happened. i went from eating nothing to binging on anything i could find..then feeling incredibly low straight afterwards. this pattern of eating continued for quite a while, and im a little unsure how i ate this time last year or 18mths ago etc..but what i do no is im struggling to get out of this routine. i will perhaps eat what i consider 'normal' for a week or a little under a week and then have a sudden need to eat anything and everything. this sudden need can last a couple of hours or an hour or im not even sur becuase i just grab things desperately then eat them then feel very sad, disappointed, guilty, depressed almost? i dont really want to use that word so light heartedly but i think it sums up the sheer remorse i feel after eating uncontrollably. i should also mention i find it incredibly difficult to 'eat normal' out of school hours, which is why i have decided to use this blog as umm support? i'm hoping it will help take my mind off of eating. its almost like a desperate need i have..for example if i was to weigh myself, i would feel elated if i'd lost weight so i would eat lots..im not sur why, i think it must stem from when i had lost weight and i was trying to achieve a much healthier weight. anyways point is most days are a struggle when im in school..theyre a nightmare when im at home, so any advice etc that anyone reading this has..i would very much appreciate it. thats all for now i guess...xxx

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title-2062043

2007-04-09T23:38:14+02:00

well i've read alot about blogs lately and the benefits of creating one, and so i have decided to create my own, simply because its half term and i always find when i have alot of time on my hands i have too much time to think, which generally means i become quite low. also i think it may pay off..writing my thoughts down etc, may just help me de-stress slightly who knows..
well where to start..i havent read many blogs, only my bf's sisters who i havent met yet, but i definatlely found it intriguing, so like she did i think i should perhaps start with a brief introduction..i'm not really sure many people will read this as i dont intend to tell anyone about my blog as im not an open person at all and what i intend to express on here i wouldnt express to anyone so for the few people that may come across this im almost 17 years old and i think i am prone to bouts of depression and addiction, my mum is a part time alcoholic and that certainly doesnt help..my dad is a pushover and my sister works away from home as shes 19, so i rarely see her and am home with just my mum often..oh and we live out of town so thats a bit of a problem, and we have no close family..sorry to note all the negatives but im really not an optomist..i also have a bit of an eating problem, (when i say a bit, i mean a umm demanding? eating problem) i am also currently studying three AS subjects in school one of which is art..hugely time consuming so i am obviously quite stressed at the moment what with the exam taking place in a little over a week and i have little preparatory work to show for it. ohwel. n e ways i shall update this when i am a little less tired and have more time..au revoir xxx

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