ok so i am back because i have a spare 15/20 mins and i am putting off doin coursework, which probably isnt a good idea..um well i think this blog is going to be based majoritly on my eating problem, not because its something i like to discuss but because its now become a large and demanding part of my life..plus i could do with advice/support/help watever u want to call it..feedback maybe..off people that have been in a similar situation. well i guess i'd better start by explainin how it began..basically my closest friends at the time (about may/june time 2004) when i was 13/14 all thought themselves overweight..out of choice they wouldnt have been the girls i would have chosen to 'hang around' with, only i was sent to the secondary school my primary school friends didnt go to..so they thought themselves overweight and i guess it rubbed off on me, altho i was an avids sportsperson and far from being unhealthily overweight, never the less i began to get observant as to what i was putting in my mouth, which up till then i hadnt given to thoughts about. it quickly became i guess an obsession and the buzz of not eating was addictive..i recently didnt eat properly for a few days due to being busy and stressed and found that same buzz i used to get through not eating once again, and again found it exhilerating. anyways..so i was initially a healthy weight of 8 and 1/2 stone, but plummeted to under 7 stone in a matter of give or take two months. however i count myself lucky as i remember weighing myself after coming back from a family holiday and realising that weighing under seven stone wasnt healthy. i should note my mum had very little concern over my problem, whereas my dad threatend me to eat or he would take me to the doctors. i refused to go to the doctors simply because i had read in a magazine that you can be refused a job because of eating problems. i wish now i had seeked the help i needed so desperately to build up a healthy relationship with food again..but theres no point in looking back and wishing, if that were the case id wish it all hadnt happened. i went from eating nothing to binging on anything i could find..then feeling incredibly low straight afterwards. this pattern of eating continued for quite a while, and im a little unsure how i ate this time last year or 18mths ago etc..but what i do no is im struggling to get out of this routine. i will perhaps eat what i consider 'normal' for a week or a little under a week and then have a sudden need to eat anything and everything. this sudden need can last a couple of hours or an hour or im not even sur becuase i just grab things desperately then eat them then feel very sad, disappointed, guilty, depressed almost? i dont really want to use that word so light heartedly but i think it sums up the sheer remorse i feel after eating uncontrollably. i should also mention i find it incredibly difficult to 'eat normal' out of school hours, which is why i have decided to use this blog as umm support? i'm hoping it will help take my mind off of eating. its almost like a desperate need i have..for example if i was to weigh myself, i would feel elated if i'd lost weight so i would eat lots..im not sur why, i think it must stem from when i had lost weight and i was trying to achieve a much healthier weight. anyways point is most days are a struggle when im in school..theyre a nightmare when im at home, so any advice etc that anyone reading this has..i would very much appreciate it. thats all for now i guess...xxx